


When Quiet is Violent

by Owlsofthenight



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Addict With A Pen, Anxiety, Blurryface, Car Radio, Depression, Goner, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Skeleton Clique, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, twenty one pilots - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10036775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owlsofthenight/pseuds/Owlsofthenight
Summary: Tyler had forgotten to take his medication for the past several days, and after someone stole his car radio, he is forced to drive home in silence. Accompanied by his twisted thoughts, Blurry gets the best of him.Inspired by Car Radio, Goner, and a plethora of other things.





	1. I've Got Two Faces

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
> (Refer to tags)
> 
> This subject is hard for me after losing my father to suicide a few years ago (and I know there are similar stories) but I really wanted to write this for some reason. 
> 
> |-/ Stay alive, you are loved |-/
> 
> Suicide hotline  
> 1 (800) 273-8255

"Are you kidding me?!" Tyler froze in disbelief as he stared at the wide-open driver's side door to his car. 

He rushed over and sat inside, searching to see what had been stolen. All of his CDs that sat in the center console were gone. The change of clothes he had in a backpack on the backseat was gone. They even took the freaking air freshener.

His eyes drifted around in frustration until they locked onto an empty slot on his dash. An empty slot, previously occupied by his car radio.

"This can't be happening." He squeezed his eyes shut as he slammed his head back against the head rest, pulling his hair into fists.

He dragged his hands down his face  before slamming the door shut and jamming the keys into the ignition.

His mind was everywhere, and no where, at the same time.

_What is this? Day seven without meds? You just keep forgetting more and more, huh?_

_Now you're not even locking your car._

What was ordinarily an easy drive home was now borderline unbearable. He could feel it as it got progressively worse and worse with each day he forgot to take them, but it was so much worse now. It was so much worse without music to hide behind.

He had nothing to occupy his restless mind. Nothing to occupy his thoughts as they dwelled on every imperfection in his life. On every bad thing that had ever happened to him.

On why it was even worth the effort anymore.

_What is wrong with you? You're losing your mind._

_You're crazy, and everyone_ _knows it._

_God, you're pathetic._

Taillights were blurred through raindrops as they fell steady against the windshield at a red light. This weather really wasn't helping at all.

He tightened his grip on the steering wheel and rested his forehead against it.

Why did he have to forget again? He even took the pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet and put it on his nightstand in an attempt to remind himself to take it before work, but that plan had apparently failed miserably. After waking up as late as he did, he was lucky enough to have put on clean clothes before running out the door.

Someone blew their horn from behind, sending his attention up to the now green light. He pressed hard on the gas pedal, chirping the tires as he rapidly accelerated down the street.

_Can you do anything right?_

This silence was horrible. He shifted uneasily in his seat.

_Worthless._

_Useless._

_Complete waste of air._

_What are you even doing anymore?_

Tyler jerked the steering wheel and threw the car into park on the side of the road.

He screamed as loud as his lungs would let him as he punched at the void his absent radio created. 

The anger boiled over him, and he let it out this time after so long of suppressing it.

Suppressing everything.

Suppressing things that medication couldn't always fix.

Wouldn't be able to fix.

He looked out the window at other cars as they passed by. At people as they huddled under umbrellas and scurried to cover as the rain continued to beat down. Smiles as people greeted each other and entered into a warm café. People who just lived their lives happily without much question.

People who didn't doubt themselves every second of each day. 

"Why can't you just be like them?" He exhaled. 

_Because you're a failure._

And he felt like a failure in so many ways.

\----------

Tyler unlocked the front door and stepped inside, pulling his hood back as he closed the door behind him.

Josh sat on the couch, headphones on, playing some sort of video game, "Hey man, what's up?!"

"Nothing." Tyler answered quietly as he kicked off his shoes.

"Wanna play?" Josh held out a remote as he threw a cheezit into the air and caught it with his mouth.

"Think I'm just gonna go lay down... I'm pretty tired." He said as he walked towards his bedroom.

"You okay? You seem down."

"Yea. Just tired."

He wasn't down. He wasn't tired.

He was numb.

Tyler closed the door and collapsed onto his bed, burying his face into the pillow.

_That's right, you liar. Just act like everything's fine._

_You know it isn't._

_You know you have no control over anything anymore._

_You're so weak._

He jumped up and grabbed the remote off the nightstand and turned his stereo on. The silence needed to end, because it wasn't silent at all. He pleaded with his mind to just stop.

Once music began to play, he set the remote back down and suddenly caught glimpse of the orange pill bottle that stood just inches away from his hand.

He picked it up and inspected the mostly full container before unscrewing the lid and dumping two pills out onto his palm and popping them into his mouth.

_What's two gonna do?_

_What have they ever done for you?_

Just as he went to recap the bottle, he looked down at it again. A sort of peace, for the first time in a very long time, overcame him.

After a moment's hesitation, he dropped the cap and pressed the bottle to his mouth, doing his best to swallow the dry pills as fast as he could. 

He held up the empty bottle in satisfaction before closing it into his fist.

He laid diagonal across the bed, his hand under his head. He stared up at the ceiling as the music continued, as if a weight he had been struggling under for so long had been pulled off of him.

And it felt surreal to know how he was going to die.

But now the piano and acoustic guitar which played over the speakers soothed his weary mind and took his thoughts off the matter.

He didn't have to worry any more. He could just relax. He could just fall asleep and drift off into the darkness, leaving the voice inside his head to vanish without an occupant to hold hostage any longer. He could finally be free.

He could be gone.

But as time passed, and song after song played, the frightening effects began to kick in.

He could feel the poison as it spread throughout his system. Throughout every single cell.

His heart sank. 

This isn't what he wanted.

"What did I just do?!" He panicked as he leapt off the edge of the bed.

The motion made his head spin as he stumbled for the wall to catch his balance. White spots filled his vision as he slid to the door, and his hand trembled as he reached out to open it.

He leaned against the doorway as he looked over at Josh, who remained oblivious behind the television screen.

His eyes were squinted through a smile as he laughed and began to talk to one of his teammates through the headset that rested over his messy patch of red hair.

Tyler did his best to project his voice loud enough, "Hey, Josh?"

His eyes momentarily left the screen to glance at Tyler before returning back to the game, "Yo, what's up? Feeling any better?"

Tyler swayed as he fought the intense pain which grew inside his stomach. He went to say something, but it was apparently inaudible.

Josh held up the spare remote without making eye contact, "Gonna take me up on that offer so I can school ya?"

Tyler buckled forward and crossed his arm over his abdomen as he gripped the doorknob.

Josh whipped his head around with a sudden look of concern, "You okay, Tyler?"

He shook his head, "I messed up."

He stumbled backwards and collapsed to the floor.

"Tyler!" Josh shouted as he ripped the headphones off and threw the controller, "What happened?! What's wrong?!"

As Josh knelt down next to him, Tyler's hand opened to reveal the empty pill bottle, which rolled off onto the floor.

"I'm sorry." He spoke faintly as his distant eyes grew heavier.

_You're a goner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second half will be posted soon!


	2. Blurry's the One I'm Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I went to post this chapter, I found something new that I didn't like and had to change it. With barely any free time to write, this took me days to finish. Sorry!

"Tyler!" Josh shouted as he ripped the headphones off and threw the controller, "What happened?! What's wrong?!"

As Josh knelt down next to him, Tyler's hand opened to reveal the empty pill bottle, which rolled off onto the floor.

"I'm sorry." He spoke faintly as his distant eyes grew heavier.

_You're a goner._

_\-----------_

_"Hold_ on! I'm gonna call an ambulance!" Josh's voice cracked as he jumped to his feet in search of his cell phone, "Where the hell is it?!"

_You're gonna die._

A tear fell down the side of Tyler's face. This wasn't how he had imagined it. He hadn't thought this far. Hadn't thought about this part. Of course it was too late.

Of course it was going to be painful.

The sight of Josh fumbling with his phone as he dialed 911, and then as it shook uncontrollably against his ear was painful enough.

_This is all your fault. You're a coward._

_You're a goner._

"I think my friend overdosed! Please help! I don't know what to do! What do I do?!" Josh's voice was hoarse as he fought back tears and tried to calm down enough to answer the dispatcher's questions coherently.

"D... don't..." Tyler slurred.

Josh rushed back over to him, letting the phone slip from his hand. He lifted Tyler up into his arms, cradling him on his lap as his face twisted with anguish.

_Goner._

There was a faint voice as the dispatcher tried unsuccessfully to get Josh back on the line.

"D... d...on't... let me... be...gone." Tyler's plead came out as nothing more than a whimper.

"Don't do this, Tyler! Please don't do this. They're coming! Just hold on." Josh hugged him tight as he choked back a sob, "I don't want you to die!"

But Tyler didn't respond.

His eyes were closed, his lips were turning blue around the edges, and his head was lolled against Josh's shoulder.

"Come on Tyler! Don't do this!" Josh repeatedly begged as he watched the color drain from his skin, "Stay alive for me!"

Josh had lost all concept of time as his adrenaline-ridden heart pounded. What felt like twenty minutes could've easily been three. The seconds felt like hours as everything moved so slow, yet happened so fast.

"Please don't do this!" Josh pressed his forehead down against Tyler's chest as he rocked back and forth in hysterics. 

Sirens grew louder and closer until lights flashed through the cracks in the window blinds.

But Josh was in too much of a fog to notice until there was a knock on the front door. He lifted his head to see a police officer with a group of EMTs.

"Sir, you're gonna have to move." One of them instructed.

Josh reluctantly released Tyler, gently placing his head down on the ground as the EMTs unzipped their medical bag and lowered the stretcher next to his seemingly lifeless body.

"It's weak, but he has a pulse. Get the BVM and start respirations."

Questions were being asked, and the police officer tried to get Josh's attention, but he remained in a daze. He only stuttered when he tried to speak, spewing out nothing intelligible as he stood there in shock.

He watched as one of the EMTs discovered the pill bottle and read the label out loud.

Watched as they loaded Tyler onto the stretcher as they continued to give him manual breaths of air.

Watched as the doors closed on the back of the ambulance as he tried to fight past the police officer.

"Tyler!"

The officer wrapped an arm around him, "Sir, you can't go with them! You have to get back!" 

Josh tried to shove him aside, "Tyler!"

And then he watched as the ambulance drove away with his best friend.

How could he let this happen?

He should've known. Should've noticed the way Tyler had been acting.

He should've gone in and checked on him when he had heard the music. 

He could've talked to him.

He could've stopped him.

But now everything around Josh appeared as one big blur through his swollen, bloodshot eyes. Every sound muffled by the anxiety that devoured him to the core. 

And now, the only thing capable of prying his eyes away from the clock that hung in the waiting room were the double doors to the ER. 

Every time they swung open, he would straighten in his seat and tremble with anticipation as hospital staff passed through, but they never looked for him. Never called his name. 

It would always be for someone else, and sometimes the news wasn't so great.

And each time that happened, Josh felt like he was one step closer to a full-fledged panic attack. He couldn't take it much longer.

He rested his head back against the wall and closed his eyes as unwanted images crowded his thoughts. There was no escaping this horrible reality. 

Maybe Tyler had been batteling a silent war this whole time and Josh had been too naive to notice it. Maybe he had been concealing all of his pain behind a fake smile and false sense of happiness to appear normal to everyone else. To fit in and make his life just a little easier to get through.

Josh thought he had his depression all under control. He acted fine. There were no warning signs... or were there?

Why couldn't he have noticed? 

"Mr. Dun?" A man's voice suddenly caught him off guard as Josh's eyes shot wide open to see a doctor standing a few feet away. 

He bolted from his seat, his face growing cold as the blood rushed away at the spontaneous change in position.

The doctor held out a hand to steady Josh as he tried to regain his composure, "Is... is he... uh..." He cleared his throat, "Is he okay?" 

The doctor nodded with a slight smile, his expression seeming to be optimistic, "He's okay."

\----------

The clouds were gone, and the rain soaked Earth glistened in the fresh morning sunlight as it broke through the tree line.

He wanted it to have been a nightmare. He wanted so badly to just wake up and have it all go away, but he couldn't. This was all very real.

The IV in his arm was real. The multiple, redundant check-ins from pesky nurses and doctors were real. The aches and pains inside his recovering body were real.

But those aches and pains meant that he was alive, and for that, he was grateful.

He was also grateful that the voice inside his head hadn't been around to threaten his sanity in the quiet hospital room. It was no where to be found as he continued to admire the view outside.

A black bird suddenly landed on the window sill, adjusting some of its feathers with its beak as it tilted its head back and forth.

Tyler watched as it took off again, flying over the trees to reunit with its flock as they disappeared off into the distance.

He picked up a pen and notebook from the table next to him and began to sketch the bird at the top corner of the page; one of the few remaining spots not filled out with any writing, and next to one section in particular...      

> Though I'm weak
> 
> And beaten down
> 
> I'll ~~fade~~ slip away
> 
> Into the sound
> 
> The ghost ~~in~~ of you
> 
> Is close to me
> 
> I'm inside out
> 
> You're underneath
> 
> **Don't let me be gone**

He turned his head just as the door opened to see Josh enter with a brown paper bag and coffee, which he handed over to Tyler.

"Thanks." He said as he immediately retrieved the food from the bag.

"Yea no problem, just don't let them see you. I don't think you're supposed to be eating anything besides... what's this?" Josh tilted his head as he skimmed over the notebook.

"Nothing... just something I felt like writing." Tyler shrughed as he tossed the book aside and took a bite of the bagel.

Josh sat down in a chair and rested his elbows on his knees.

He looked like crap.

Tyler didn't dare imagine what he himself looked like as he glanced back at Josh, who continued to stare, "What?"

Josh shrugged in response.

This whole time he hadn't seemed like he had much to say about any of it. They both had a slight mental breakdown when they were finally reunited, and the words just went unsaid. There was nothing _to_ say. Not in a moment like that.

But now Tyler just wanted him to get it out. He expected it. He deserved it. He knew he had questions and knew he had things to say about what he did... what he _tried_ to do.

It was obvious to Tyler that Josh had on his brave face, but his eyes were telling a different story and his voice sounded rough. He was trying his best to keep his emotions in check around Tyler, for Tyler. 

But now Josh shifted in his seat and bit down on his lip. He seemed to ponder for a moment, hesitating before he opened his mouth, "Why would you do something like that?"

The abrupt question sunk deep into Tyler, who struggled to swallow the bite of bagel he had been chewing.

"Why would you do something like that... to me?"

He never meant to hurt his best friend, and he never expected his actions to have such an impact on him. He should have known they would, but it hadn't occured to him until it was too late. Until he had no other choice but to watch it as it happened.

The ordinarily up-beat, cheerful guy he had known all these years now looked broken down and lost. He had never seen Josh like this before.

Tyler's eyes started to burn as he casually wiped his hand across them, "I wasn't thinking, Josh. I really wasn't... I regret doing it."

"But, why  _did_ you do it?"

"I don't know... I... I just... had a really bad week... things really started getting to me... and the pills were just... there." By now, streaks of tears lined Tyler's face as he wrapped his arms around his sides.

Josh ran his fingers through his hair as he looked away at nothing in particular, a tear escaping from the corner of his eye, "And you never thought of talking to me about any of it?"

Tyler looked up at Josh with a sorrowful expression, clenching his teeth after a failed attempt to form an excuse.

Josh lowered his head, causing a tear to drip down onto his jeans, "I... I didn't know you were hurting so bad... I would've helped... I would've tried to help."

"I'm sorry." Tyler's voice cracked as he began to sob, his shoulders jolting up and down as he hung his head. The room was nothing but a white blur, but Tyler could feel Josh's arms gather him into a hug as they both cried together, "I'm so sorry."

"I thought you were gonna die." Josh spoke into his shoulder.

The tears continued to fall freely for a few minutes before Tyler sat up and used the inside of his hospital gown to dry his face. Josh did the same with his shirt.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Tyler rested his face into his hands, "I hear this... _voice_ inside my head." 

"What do you mean?"

"It's there everytime I'm down or everytime I do something wrong... it always tells me how worthless I am." 

"You're not worthless, Ty. You mean more to me than you'll ever know... I have no idea what I would've done if I lost you." Josh's voice tapered off as he tried to fend away new tears, "So you can tell that voice to go to hell."

Tyler smiled crookedly as he nodded.

"I'd punch that guy if you're face wasn't in the way."

To this, Tyler began to laugh as Josh smiled and took in the sound. He always had a way of doing that.

Josh rested his hand on Tyler's shoulder, "We're gonna figure this out. I'm never letting something like this happen again."

"It's not going to."

\----------

Josh tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel to the beat of the song that played over the radio as Tyler sat in the passenger seat, daydreaming out the window. Every so often, he would jot something down into the notebook as he mouthed the words to himself.

Poetic verses lined multiple pages as he quickly transcribed whatever came to mind before he had a chance to lose it.

He couldn't understand where all of this inspiration was coming from, but he couldn't ignore it. He couldn't ignore the music that was trapped inside his head, and he had to let it out.

The moment they stepped through the front door, Tyler headed down the hallway.

Josh swung his arms up, "Where are you going?"

"There's something I gotta do." Tyler replied as he entered into a sound-proofed room.

The door didn't close all the way as he flipped on the lights, revealing a collection of instruments in a large room.

Amongst those instruments was a drum set in the back and a bass guitar that rested in a stand next to it. A paino lined the wall off to the side, which Tyler walked over to.

He set the notebook on top as he skipped to a particular page and gently rested his fingers onto the keys. He pressed down, the sound immediately flooding the room. He experimented with a few different notes before discovering the correct ones, and allowed the slow melody to travel from his mind and course through his finger tips. 

Josh quietly stepped in and stood off to the side, careful to remain undetected as he listened intently.

Tyler closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.

" _I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate, they fill with fire, exhale desire, I know it's dire my time today._ _I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought, 'cause somebody stole my car radio, and now I just sit in silence_..."

There was a weight to the words unlike anything Josh had heard from him before. The way in which he said them was powerful.

" _Sometimes quiet is violent. I find it hard to hide it, my pride is no longer inside. It's on my sleeve, my skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream. I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel_..."

Tyler had taken his soul and put it into words. Every line was filled with significant meaning. Filled with words that may not have found their way out into the world otherwise.

As he repeated the chorus, Josh moved to the back of the room. He took a seat behind the drum set, earning a quick glance from Tyler as he continued with the lyrics.

Josh began to tap on the high hat, creating an intricate beat that flowed with the rhythm of the paino.

The resulting sound made Tyler grin as the paino and drum joined together at the start of the next verse.

"... _There's faith, and there's sleep, we need to pick one please because faith is to be awake_   _and to be awake is for us to think_   _and for us to think is to be alive, and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think_... _"_

It was as if the two were mentally connected. As if a simple nod to each other suggested a sudden change in momentum, but this was the way it had always been.

Where either one lacked in basic communication skills, they made up for through music. Deep thoughts and raw feelings released with every swing of a drumstick and spoken word.

" _I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought, cause somebody stole my car radio, and now I just sit in silence_."

Tyler abruptly ended the song as he sat motionless behind the piano. After a moment, he turned to face Josh, who swivled back and forth on his seat.

His face was one of understanding and sympathy. One that spoke more volume than any words could possibly illustrate.

And then he smiled, "That was good."

Tyler chuckled, "Yea, it was."

"Got any more?"

Tyler rubbed his hand through his hair, "Yea, but... it's just..."

"Just keep playing. I wanna hear it."

Tyler nodded slowly as he flipped a page in the notebook and looked down at the keys. He hit a few different notes to get a better feel for the sound he wanted before growing more confident, alternating gently between them.

"Hello? We haven't talked in quite some time..."


End file.
